What I am reflecting?
Tai Chi in my conversation?
As I reflected on the way of communication, I thought about the analogy of doing Tai Chi. If you are familiar with Tai Chi, they always talk about using the energy of the opponent against the opponent itself. In the end, it’s about the effective use of energy — reflecting back the effort, making it much more effortless, yet achieving the same outcome or even a better one.
What this analogy means to me is how it boils down to the way I communicate, or how I practice coaching. Let me share with you how I relate to that analogy.
Most of the time, I used to think that I would win the battle of communicating and influencing when I’m in the offensive — which means I talk most of the time. With the hope that when I talk more, I can inject my knowledge and influence the situation.
As I look back on my life, did it really happen? Not really. Because what I was doing was probably fuming my emotions and my intellectual understanding of particular knowledge into that person, right? Sometimes it worked. Even I felt a bit relieved. However, did I achieve the outcome? Maybe. Not.
Look back at the Tai Chi analogy, what I can do is pause and listen more. By listening, I can strategize. I can understand the person a little bit more — what their values are, what matters to them, what the underlying emotions are, and things like that. Even though I am not doing most of the talking, I’m actually gathering more information.
By gathering more information, I’m able to understand the person I’m communicating with better. And by doing so, I can really be with that person — understanding their point of view, understanding their struggles. When I finally put forward my point, I can craft a win-win outcome — something that works for both of us.
What is important in listening is asking questions rather than telling people what to do. Two forms of questions that I find very useful are the what questions and the how questions.
The what questions help us understand their inner definitions in a more open-ended way. For example:
- What about this is important to you?
- What is the challenge that you face?
- What is it that brought us into this situation?
- What are we trying to accomplish here?
The how questions help explore strategies and options:
- How can I help to make this better for us?
- How can we solve this problem?
- How would you like me to proceed?
- How am I supposed to do that?
The what and how questions are powerful. And what’s even more powerful is allowing the silence — the pause, the gap — for the other person to think, to process, and to reflect. Listening well, catching the keywords, and understanding what really matters to that person.
Always being on the offensive side — telling, telling, telling, talking it through — might not work as well. Even if it is right, it might not be right for that person. It will just make them more defensive.
At the end of the day, we want to come up with something that is right for them — so they can pleasantly move towards the outcome that we hope for.
This is a short reflection on some of the conversations and communication I’ve had lately. I figured out that sometimes talking less doesn’t just conserve my energy. Talking less gives me the upper hand — to understand, to gather more information, and to craft strategies that create a win-win situation.
And yes, that also means I’m deploying the same thought, the same strategy in parenting — in taking care of my children. As I shared before, the situation might be challenging, but you can overcome it.
Hopefully, by improving and moving forward step by step, I’m getting better — and the whole situation is getting better and better too.
What question will you use today?
Quote I’m pondering
A pawn with commitment will one day stand as a queen.
Affirmation I used
I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.