What I am reflecting?
Your Concern Might Not Be Your Influence
In one of the coaching sessions this week, my coachee shared a concern about something happening in his life. He was irritated by the actions of a family member, which left him stuck between his own happiness and his desire to be a contributing family member.
As the story went on, he shared several instances of unhappiness he had experienced. Most of the time, I observed that these situations were beyond his control. If he continues in this cycle, it means that as long as the environment remains the same, he will keep experiencing the same negative emotions.
In all of my coaching sessions, one important realization is this — the coachee can learn. And when they learn, they gain choices. Having choices means you have hope.
Here, I figured out that he had many concerns — how his family members should behave, and how situations that don’t go his way affect him. His usual response was to ask questions like, “Why did this happen?” or “How come this happened?” — which are, in essence, the same question. Why?
This brought us to the realization of the Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence, as mentioned by Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
The Circle of Concern refers to areas that you don’t like or can’t control. The right questions to ask are not Why, but What and How. For example:
- What is happening at the moment?
- What is causing me to feel irritated?
- What can I do?
- How can I do it?
- How can I make this better?
These questions help to clarify the situation, which then create options for you.
When you have clarity in your questions, you begin to see what you can do to expand your Circle of Influence. Influence grows when you build enough trust and credibility in your relationships.
Do you have any stressful situations in your life right now?
Remember — understand your Circle of Concern, and gradually expand your Circle of Influence.
Quote I’m pondering
You don’t believe what you see, but you see what you believe.